


April's Fool

by skaoi



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: ALL the stupid puns, Also Easter, But I did try to kill ALL the references, DAMNED weird, F/M, Fluff, Gen, I DID mention this is weird, I promise you didn't think of Candy Morningstar quite like this, Luci puts the CAD in Cadbury, No actual rabbits were harmed in the making of this tail, No angst zone, Right?, Still not sorry, This is weird, and eggs, and funny, and the puns, because Chloe needs them, because-really-ALL of this is pretty awful, but only a mention - Freeform, not sorry, some salty language but I don't think it rates M, that was awful, tooth-rotting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 00:50:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10231829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skaoi/pseuds/skaoi
Summary: Chloe shakes her head and thinks of leaving, definitely not interested in becoming embroiled in the kerfuffle down the hall.  Fast-approaching footsteps tell her she hasn’t time to get out undetected, so she tries to mentally prepare for whatever may be barrelling in her direction.Probably Lucifer and his latest playmate in some form of undress.  Hopefully not sporting bondage gear like the last time she walked in uninvited.  Maybe I’ll luck out this time and it’s just whipped cream and feathers, she hopes silently as she schools her features.Nothing could have prepared her for the sight Lucifer Morningstar presents as he runs into the living area.  His half-buttoned white silk shirt sports a few wet spots and more than a small bit of black hair...which matches his black silk boxers and black crew socks.  It’s clear he hasn’t groomed, as his five o’clock shadow is closer to ten o’clock and his curls are clearly staging some sort of riotous mutiny atop his head.  Disheveled as he is, the most striking feature is the angry glow in The Lord of Hell’s eyes.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [upquarkAO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/upquarkAO3/gifts).



> I blame my eldest daughter for this plot bunny and UpquarkAO3 for encouraging it. Stroking it along, if you will.

The tall, statuesque brunette looms at the top of the stairs in Lux.  “Patrick!” she shouts at the bartender on the floor below.  “I can’t believe you’re fucking your boss!” she shrieks.

The man in question jerks his attention to the source of the sound, eyebrows raising to the middle of his forehead, “April, honey, let me explain...” he stammers.

Lucifer looks up from his place on the piano bench, a dirty grin sliding across his handsome face, then glances at his bartender, “Allow me, darling.”  

He looks at the woman struggling down the stairs with a giant plastic box of some sort, “Have you _seen_ his boss, my dear?”  He gestures at his person, “I’d fuck me, too, given half the chance.  Can’t really blame him, can you?  Care to have a go?  All together if you prefer.”

April scowls at him as she hoists the obviously-heavy box  up onto the bar in front of Patrick.  His eyes widen and he rests a hand on top of the box.  “Why did you bring _her_ here?”  He asks with obvious concern.  “She can’t be here.  Health code...”

The woman literally growls at him, “I don’t want your god-damned rabbit, Patrick.  It’s yours now.  It was cute when you gave it to me, but it’s e-fucking-normous now and it makes these...noises.  I can’t stand it.”  She glares at Lucifer before turning her ire back to her about-to-be former boyfriend.  “Just like I can’t stand you cheating on me.  I’m gone.”  

April reaches into her pocket and pulls out a card, which she slaps on the counter in front of the shocked bartender, “This is her vet.  She’s got an abscessed tooth and needs to go in for a follow-up.”  She turns to leave then looks back between Patrick and Lucifer, “I hope you’re _very_ happy together.”  With that, she flounces up the stairs and out the door, taking care to slam it as hard as she can.

Lucifer raises his eyebrows at Patrick, “Well, _that_ was certainly interesting.”  He strolls slowly toward the bar and peers with curiosity at one end of the box.  It seems to have a door of some sort, with wires spaced enough to keep its occupant from escaping.  Holes litter the remaining walls of the box and he leans forward to inspect the contents.

“Patrick,” he begins slowly.  “Granted I’m not overly familiar with the fauna of the area, but I was not aware that rabbits could grow to be so _large_.”

The bartender reaches for the door of the crate.  He opens the door and pulls out a giant, glossy black rabbit, “This is Lucy,” he smiles affectionately at the animal as he draws her close for a snuggle.  “She’s a Flemish Giant Rabbit.”

Lucifer leans forward a little more to take in the animal’s wiggling nose and erect ears.  She turns to regard him with apparent curiosity and he looks at his employee, “What does one... _do_....with this creature?  Is it your plan to eat it at some point?”

Patrick’s eyes bulge and he clutches the rabbit as he pulls away in horror, “What?!  No!  Dude, I’m a vegan!”  He pets the animal, “He didn’t mean that, Luuuuuucyyyy,” he coos into one of the giant, black ears as he strokes its gleaming pelt.

Satan gestures as he stands more upright, “Well, then I’m guessing you’ve also no interest in fashioning...I don’t know...a stole...out of it?  A hat, perhaps?”

The bartender glares, “No.”  His expression grows regretful as he looks back at the animal in his arms, “But I can’t bring her home.”

Lucifer frowns and turns to pour himself another glass of scotch, “Whyever not?  It certainly can’t remain here at Lux.  Health inspectors are already looking for a reason to shut me down.  Seems allowing people to...well...make like rabbits here in the club is a no-no.”  

He points, “Can’t have an _actual_ rabbit here.”  He smirks then the grin grows impossibly wide, “ _Although_ a black rabbit would be a fitting mascot, now that I think on it.  She _is_ quite striking.”

Lucifer’s eyebrows come down, “So, why can’t you keep her?  Landlord not a fan of pets?”

Patrick shakes his head, “No, it’s not that.  I had to move in with my mom.  She’s been sick, so I take care of her when I’m not at work.  She’s allergic.”  He gives the rabbit another affectionate squeeze, “But I can’t just give her away.”  His eyes widen with hope as he looks up at his employer, “You could take her!  You said so yourself, she’d be a great mascot for the club.”

Lucifer puts his hands up and takes a step back, “Wait, wait, wait.  I said a rabbit would be fitting, considering....but I wouldn’t even begin to know how to care for a...pet.  I scarcely take care of myself, my dear boy.”

Patrick flashes a winsome smile and throws in the puppy eyes for maximum effect, “She’s super-easy, Boss.  Just keep her litter changed, brush her and feed her.  That’s it.  I promise you that if April could take care of her, _you_ can do it.”  Seeing by Lucifer’s face that he hadn’t effectively argued his case yet, he decides to sweeten the deal, “I can help when I’m here.”  He nods at the rabbit in his arms, “Here, just...pet her.  You’ll fall in love, I swear.”

Lucifer arches a skeptic eyebrow, “She...does look soft...” he agrees as he carefully reaches forward.  For her part, Lucy The Rabbit turns her head to wiggle her nose at The Lord of Hell’s questing fingers.  His eyes darken with concern, “What is this wiggling business.  That’s her nose, yes?”

The bartender grins as he nods, “Yeah. Her nose wiggles almost all the time.  Animals sniff everything in their environment as a way to figure stuff out.”  Lucy shifts nervously in his arms and he tightens his grip, “It’s ooookaaaay, Lucy,” he soothes.  “Lucifer just wants to say hello.”

Lucifer extends his fingers again and the rabbit leans forward for a sniff.  She wriggles in an attempt to get away again, “Does she dislike me?” Lucifer asks.

Patrick shrugs, “She’s probably just upset after April was yelling like that.  Here,” he turns so the rabbit’s back is to Lucifer, “Pet her back.”

Lucifer frowns, “You’re sure?  She won’t bite you or something?”

“Nah,” the bartender assures him.  “She’s a doll.  She’s just nervous.”

Satan nods, “Very well.  If you’re sure...”  He reaches his hand out to rest gently on the rabbit’s back and he carefully strokes the fur with his long fingers.  “Ooooh...she is _quite_ soft, Patrick.”  His smile grows as he pets her more and the rabbit seems to relax under the warmth of his hand, “Lovely, indeed,” he purrs happily.  Lucy settles more comfortably in Patrick’s arms and twitches her ears.

Patrick smiles, “So, you’ll keep her?”

Lucifer considers for a long moment.   _I can ask Maze to do the actual care-taking._  He nods with a smile, “I’ve never had a pet before.  If you agree to provide assistance, I believe we have a deal.”

The bartender nods vigorously, “That’s great! Thank you so much, Boss.”

Satan smiles in agreement, “Yes, well, the first thing we need to do is change her name.  There’s only one Lucy at Lux, you know.”  He gives the rabbit a long look then his face breaks out into a great smile, “I’ll call her Candy.  Candy Morningstar.”

=================

It’s Thursday night and Dan has taken Trixie for a four-day weekend.   _Thank goodness for teacher workdays_ , Chloe thinks to herself as she drives over to Lux.  Her erstwhile partner has been a bit more erstwhile than usual for the past few weeks and it’s time to get to the bottom of things.

“I really should drive myself, Detective,” he insisted one afternoon.  “Errands, you understand.”  He’d dashed off without another word and didn’t answer his phone until the next morning.

“No need to come by, Detective,” he assured her on another occasion when she offered to pick him up for another case.  “I’ll meet you at the scene.”  Then he’d popped away as soon as they were finished.

Then there was the matter of the straw in his hair one morning and short, black hair on his white shirt.  He’d hemmed and hawed when she teased him about having a roll in the hay and paying for his lover to see a groomer, “That’s rude, Detective,” he sniffed before turning away to make a quick call.

Lucifer was being dodgy and Chloe is over it.

She exits the elevator to her partner’s flat and doesn’t see him anywhere.  The detective slowly walks into the space and her eyebrows raise to the middle of her forehead when she looks around.  There’s a small fence completely surrounding the base of the piano.  

 _Is that a baby gate?  Is he dating someone with a kid?_ “Lucifer?” she calls out.

A crashing noise sounds in the general vicinity of his closet and Chloe hears a frustrated growl, “Bloody fucking Hell, Candy, not the Italian leather!  Salvatore Ferragamo stitched these himself!”  More growling is followed by an obvious attempt on Lucifer’s part to placate this mysterious Candy, “Just let me get this in...I promise you’ll feel all better, darling...there’s a girl...no, don’t...blast! You’ve got it all over....Ouch!  Stop _biting_ me!”

Chloe shakes her head and thinks of leaving, definitely not interested in becoming embroiled in the kerfuffle down the hall.  Fast-approaching footsteps tell her she hasn’t time to get out undetected, so she tries to mentally prepare for whatever may be barrelling in her direction.

Probably Lucifer and his latest playmate in some form of undress.  Hopefully not sporting bondage gear like the last time she walked in uninvited.   _Maybe I’ll luck out this time and it’s just whipped cream and feathers,_ she hopes silently as she schools her features.

Nothing could have prepared her for the sight Lucifer Morningstar presents as he runs into the living area.  His half-buttoned white silk shirt sports a few wet spots and more than a small bit of black hair...which matches his black silk boxers and black crew socks.  It’s clear he hasn’t groomed, as his five o’clock shadow is closer to ten o’clock and his curls are clearly staging some sort of riotous mutiny atop his head.  Disheveled as he is, the most striking feature is the angry glow in The Lord of Hell’s eyes.

Lucifer stops quickly as he sees Chloe standing in front of him, and he slides to a stop, “Detective!” he greets her, clearly surprised, and his eyes return to their dark chocolate brown.

Chloe would have noticed his graceful Risky Business moves if she weren’t distracted by the black animal streaking across his floor in an attempt to escape.

“Lucifer!” she cries, “What the Hell is that thing?” she asks in shock.

His chest heaves with exhaustion as he nods and tries to catch his breath.  He points at the creature that has stopped on the area rug, “Hell, indeed, Detective.  I’d swear that beast is a demon.”

Chloe stares, her eyes wide, “Holy sh....that is the biggest damned rabbit I’ve ever seen.  Where did you get it?”

Lucifer stands straighter and looks down at her, “She’s a Flemish Giant Rabbit and I took her off my bartender’s hands as a favor.”  He scowls and points at the animal in question, and Chloe sees he’s carrying a small bottle, “She requires this antibiotic for a wound in her mouth and she’s being difficult.”

The Detective’s sudden outburst of laughter startles the rabbit and Lucifer lunges forward , “Dammit!  Not the Tufenkian rug!”  He looks down in disgust at the small pellets on the floor.  “Just bloody wonderful, Detective, you’ve managed the frighten the shit out of my rabbit.”

Chloe doubles over with laughter, “This is great, Lucifer.  Or maybe I should call you Hugh Hefner.  Complete with your own bunny.”  Her large, blue eyes well with tears of mirth and he scowls as he grabs some napkins to clean up the mess.

“Ha, ha.  Yes, Detective.  Go on, get it all out.”  He stomps behind the bar and tosses the abused napkin in the trash then pumps a liberal squirt of sanitizer on his hands.

Ignoring his dark look while he rubs his hands together vigorously, Chloe points at the small fence around the piano, “I suppose that explains the baby gate.”

“Rabbit fence,” he corrects archly.  “I purchased it at the pet store, not the spawn shop.”  Lucifer points at the rabbit again, “She had taken to gnawing my piano!  Had to replace two legs before it was over.  Don’t even ASK how she defiled my Barcelona chair,” he huffs dramatically.  “That stain will _never_ come out.”  

“I see, so she’s destroying the place.  That explains the angry eyes a minute ago,” she smirks.

He scowls and points at the offending animal, “Candy chewed my Ferragamo shoes, Detective.  I LOVE those shoes!”  

He looks so distraught Chloe can’t help laughing again.  “You named your rabbit “Candy”?” the detective snickers.  “Is she sweet?”  More laughter.  Accompanied by a snort.

Lucifer sniffs in indignation as he looks down his long nose and, for a moment, he looks almost hurt, “Well, if you _must_ know, I hoped she might be, yes.”  He walks to where Candy has hopped to the other end of the rug and sits down next to her.  He looks up at Chloe and pouts, “This whole pet business is all rather new to me, Detective.”

Chloe can’t resist the smile as the rabbit head-butts his knee and he absently scratches between her ears.  The detective walks over and joins the pair on the floor, “So, what does she eat besides expensive furniture?”

=========================================

Chloe looks up from the pile of paperwork on her desk, “Lucifer...can I borrow the rabbit?”

Her partner raises his eyebrows and regards her from his seat, impossibly-long legs ending in the shiny Louboutins currently resting on his desk, “Certainly, my dear, but whatever for?”

Chloe fidgets and looks at her hands for a moment, “Well, it’s Easter and...”

Lucifer frowns, “Easter?” he asks petulantly.  “You mean that dreadful holiday that celebrates my pathetic half-brother’s status as the first zombie ever created?  Please tell me you’re joking.”

Annoyance flits across the detective’s face as she rolls her eyes, “I wish.  Dan’s relatives are all coming to town and he agreed to have them over for an egg hunt.  I thought having a real rabbit would be fun.  And you know how Trixie loves her.”

Satan rolls his eyes, “Can’t Detective Douche procure his own bunny?  I’m afraid Candy may be frightened in a large gathering.”

Chloe shoots him her copyrighted ‘You’re kidding me’ look, “Seriously?  What?  She’ll go all killer bunny on us?  We’ll need a holy hand grenade to stop the carnage?”

Lucifer throws up his hands in defeat.  “Fine!  Fine, fine, fine.  Just so you know, she doesn’t actually lay eggs.  Rabbits don’t do that, you know.  Not even glorious, giant ones.  So,  you’ll still need to keep me around.”

She shoots him her ‘WTF’ look.  Copyright on that one is pending.  “What the hell are you talking about?”

Lucifer shrugs, “In my research into Candy’s care, I came upon numerous references involving some mythical rabbit hiding its eggs during the Easter holiday....and you’ve previously mentioned needing ‘my’ figurative eggs, so I just wanted to make sure you aren’t...you know...planning to get your eggs from another source.  You’ll have to keep me around a bit longer because _this_ rabbit has no eggs.”

Chloe facepalms hard enough to leave a mark on her forehead, “Lucifer...”

He stands up and adjusts his jacket, “What time would you like us to arrive?  I need to make an appointment for her at the groomer to accommodate this eleventh-hour request.”

She snickers, “Your rabbit has a groomer?”

He arches a brow then tugs at his cuff, “Of course she does, Detective.  A rabbit likes to look her best, you know.”

Chloe nods, “Riiiight.  So!  How about you and Candy show up at 11:00 in the morning on Sunday?  Dan’s family goes to sunrise service then comes over for brunch.  Can you make it?”

Lucifer bows slightly, “Of course, my dear.”

======================

Several days later, Lucifer steers the Corvette to a parking spot in Chloe’s apartment complex.  He unclips the seatbelt holding Candy’s crate in place then exits the car.  Long strides quickly carry him to the door, which is immediately flung open by one Beatrice Espinoza.

“Lucifer!” she squeals happily as she sees her favorite Devil.  “Candy!” leaves her mouth at an even higher pitch and greater volume than for him.   _At least carrying the create means the small human is unable to grapple me,_ he muses.

“Yes, spawn.  We’re here at your mother’s request.”  He enters the apartment, places the crate on the sofa then reaches in to extract his pet.  The groomer certainly outdid herself, suggesting this rather festive get-up, he thinks to himself as he adjusts the rabbit’s outfit.  The ears keep knocking the hat sideways and he’s tempted to remove it but it’s so fetching, he decides against it.

Dan approaches, a rude smirk on his face as he sees Lucifer fussing over the rabbit, “Dick.”

Satan smirks and stands tall to loom over the shorter human, “Douche.”

“Daddy!” Trixie protests as she reaches to pet Candy.  “I love her dress, Lucifer!  Yellow and white looks really pretty with her black fur.”  She leans closer, “The ribbon holding her hat on is coming loose.  I can fix it.”

“Thank you, child.”  Lucifer strokes his pet and coos to her before arching a brow at Dan, “Her tail twitched, Daniel.  I believe that means she doesn’t particularly care for you.  They say animals have a good sense about these things.”

“Trixie, babe!” Chloe calls from the other room.  Trixie bounds away and Dan looks down at Candy in disgust.  “Just keep that vermin away from me,” he demands.

Lucifer clutches his pet closer, “Why, Daniel, you’re not threatening to re-enact Fatal Attraction now, are you?  What has Candy ever done to you?”

Dan shrugs, “Bad experience with rabbits when I was a kid.  Just...make sure to keep its distance, or...”

Satan glares, “Or _what_ , Elmer Fudd?  She’s not a fricasseeing rabbit if that’s what you’re threatening.”

Detective Espinoza’s brows come down, “What?!  No!  No, man.  Look...when I was a kid, we’d go out to my uncle’s farm and he had rabbits and chickens and other livestock.  A coyote got into the rabbit hutch and...the screaming was...”

“Hold on,” Lucifer stops him.  “Screaming?  The coyotes hurt someone that was tending the rabbits?”

Dan shakes his head, “No.  The rabbits were screaming.  Didn’t you know they do that?”

Lucifer’s eyebrows go up as he turns to regard his rabbit, “I’d no idea, now that you mention it.”

The detective waves it off, “Be glad, then.  It’s the most awful sound.  They usually do it when they think they’re about to die...or while they’re dying.”  His face pales as his eyes take on a far-away glint, “It’s haunting.”

The taller man hugs Candy close and gives her a comforting pet, “Well, no worries, Detective.  She’s the safest rabbit ever.”

Dan frowns for a moment and gives Candy a long look, “Well, just...they make me nervous.”  Still feeling uncomfortable, he shuffles off.

Chloe approaches with a big smile on her face and she bends down to scratch Candy under the chin, “How’s my little Bunnicula today?” she croons.  “Has Daddy Lucifer been nice to you?”

Lucifer huffs but can’t help the grin creeping onto his face, “I’ve been quite kind to her, thank you for asking, Detective.”

The detective smiles and reaches out to touch his arm, “Thank you for bringing her, Lucifer.  She looks great.”  Chloe pauses as a blush touches her cheeks, “And so do you.  Is that a creme egg in your pocket or are you glad to see me?”

A delighted grin lights his face, “Cheeky!  Lucifer likes,” he purrs softly as he leans toward her.

As he gets closer, Chloe scoops the bunny out of his arms and absconds with her, a throaty chuckle following in her wake.


End file.
